Monday, June 7, 2010

March 12, 2010 - 10:48 am

I remember this day as if it was yesterday. Israel and I in the waiting room, excited to find out whether we were having a boy or a girl. With my first pregnancy, I really wanted to be surprised at the sex of the baby. Israel on the other hand wanted to find out. I promised him that next time it would be totally up to him. As we are waiting, I turn to him and ask, What have you decided? He smiles at me and says, Oh we are definitely finding out.

We begin our ultrasound with much joy and excitement. She tells us we are having a girl. (It is later confirmed via amniocentesis we are having a boy.) As she was scanning his heart I was watching for the 4 chambers of his heart. It was difficult to see. I have a sick feeling that comes over me, I know something is wrong. The technician leaves the room, I turn to Israel and I say to him, something is wrong. The optimist that my husband is, says to me, everything is fine. The tech comes back in the room and says I paged the doctor to come back from the hospital to come meet with you. At that moment we both knew it. We waited for what seemed like an eternity for the doctor. When he comes in, he does his own scan, and then delivers the news. The baby has a severe heart defect. At that moment the room begins to spin. I remember looking at Israel and thinking this has to be a nightmare. The doctor begins to tell us all the other things that could also be wrong. Many times if a baby has a heart defect it normally is associated with a genetic/chromosomal disorder. He wants to run several tests to check. When the doctor leaves the room to prepare the tests, I turn to Israel and I see this look in his eyes, that even now thinking back to it, makes me cry. Even now I can't find the words to describe how those moments felt. Shock wouldn't even come close to describe how we felt. I look at my husband, I remember feeling my heart break to see him hurting so badly. The doctor comes in and does an amniocentesis, I never even felt the needle go in. He tells us we will need to meet with a Pediatric Cardiologist to discuss what this means for the baby.

In all honesty, I didn't think anything could be done to save our baby. I was preparing myself that the cardiologist would tell us there is nothing that could be done to save his little heart and that we need to end the pregnancy. My doctor walked us to the cardiologist, it was amazing that they were able to see us right away. Most people have to wait at least a few days if not weeks to get answers regarding their child. I remember Israel holding my hand and as he is leading me to the next doctor, I remember thinking, this isn't happening, hold it together, don't collapse. I've never felt so helpless and fearful in my life.

I had no hope.